In every change there are losses and gains. This is true for you and for your baby. Before your baby was born, he was fed and held and warm and well in your womb. You provided for all his needs before he even knew he had them. Now that he has been born, he has to communicate all of this to you. He has to tell you when he is hungry, tired, sick, cold, etc. So, for your baby the birth experience brings gains and losses. There are gains and losses for you too. There is a tremendous gain in giving birth, where you can hear your baby breathe and count his fingers and toes. But with the gain of the birth of your new baby, you might loose sleep, independence, spontaneity, adult company, intellectual stimulation, maybe financial security, predictability and control. This is true for siblings too. With the birth of a new baby, siblings experience gains and losses. There is a gain in having a playmate and someone to grow up with for life. But there is a loss too since now resources have to be shared. This includes mother’s time, dad’s attention, toys, maybe a room and even financial resources. How you, as parents, negotiate these gains and losses will determine how you and your children deal with the transition. This means that there has to be a balance between the two. If you are loosing sleep at night, you need to re-gain a bit of it during the day. If your older child experiences the new baby as a gain because you are home from work and he is included in the business of the daily activities around the baby, then the transition will be easier for him to digest. If he experiences only the losses when the new baby arrives because he is excluded from the experience, then the transition will be difficult for him and his behaviour might be difficult for you too.

Here are some tips to help siblings cope with the change and the challenge:

1. Acknowledge your child’s ambivalent feelings about the new baby. Many children love and hate the new baby at the same time Allow him to feel angry, sad and happy about the change. These are normal feelings. Children are allowed to express their feelings, positive or negative. They are allowed to feel angry or sad at the birth of the new baby but they are not allowed to hurt you, the baby or themselves. My experience shows that when you allow children the opportunity to express their real feelings, even if they are negative, they are freed up to begin exploring their positive feelings. Allow a space for their feelings to be heard and to be respected. But set limits for their inappropriate behaviors.

2. Some children feel insecure when there is a change in family dynamics and they become oppositional and defiant. They need to know where the boundaries lie in order to feel emotionally safe again. Set limits in a firm and clear manner without being punitive.

3. Avoid negative attention. When you shout at your toddler to stop hurting the new baby, you reinforce his inappropriate behaviour. He learns what to do in order to get attention – and negative attention is better than no attention at all. Try to ignore inappropriate behaviour and give lots of positive attention to behaviors you want to encourage.

4. Allow regression. In preschool children sad and angry feelings are often expressed through action rather than words. You might notice temper tantrums, aggression, bed-wetting, baby talk, acting like a baby, clingy behaviour, and a general irritable mood. Your child regresses and becomes more needy and more dependent. He is communicating an important message: do I have to be a baby in order to get the same level of care and attention? Many parents, knowingly or unknowingly, have expectations on older children to be older. This causes distress for you child because he might feel ambivalent about the losses and gains of growing up. Allow him to regress. My experience shows that those parents who play along with their child and “baby” him for a little while have a greater chance of encouraging autonomy and independence than those parents who impose it.

5. Give up the expectation to be fully available for all your children all the time. Your aim is to be a “good enough” parent (Dr Winnicott) not a perfect one. Just like there are no perfect children, so there are no perfect parents. It is appropriate for your children to learn that there are limits to your resources, your patience, your time and your attention.

6. Show your children that you love them very much. Children don’t always trust a verbal message. It might not be enough to tell your son you love him very much. You might have to hug him, read to him, and spend some special time with him or whatever you do to show him how much he means to you.

7. Limit the amount of change your older child is exposed to. Starting a new school, moving to a new room and bringing home a new baby are too much for a toddler to manage.

8. Involve your older child in the day-to-day activities of the new baby. Let him choose which nappy to use even if all the nappies are the same. This helps to balance the gains and losses. Your child might have lost his place as only child, or second child, but gained in his place as older child. Now he is more capable, more competent and more independent. He has been shifted up the ladder and this is a gain to help deal with the losses. The shift has the capacity to build his self-esteem. But if you have high expectations of him to be responsible around the baby, then being “bigger” will be a loss rather than a gain!

9. Allow your older child to touch the baby at their first meeting. Children are tactile human beings and this helps to create a positive first experience. Babies have an automatic grasping reflex. Ask your older child to put his finger in the babies’ hand and the baby will grasp it. This creates a special moment for children, parents and babies alike.

Just like there are gains and losses for siblings, so there are for dads too. Lets take a closer look at your role in the first few weeks and months and how you can assist with the transition.