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CHILDREN
AND CHANGE
Change is a normal part of growing
up. And yet it presents difficulties for children and parents
alike. Lets take a closer look.
With every change there is both
a loss and a gain. This is the process of growth, the process
of life and the process of death. Pregnancy can be seen as a
tremendous gain since you are part of the process of giving
life to another human being. But there are losses too: the loss
of comfort, loss of your figure, loss of memory or even interest
in anything other than baby talk. With the birth of your baby
there are tremendous gains in seeing five fingers and five little
toes, but there are also many losses. Mothers have mentioned
the loss of predictability, the loss of a career, the loss of
intellectual stimulation, the loss of spontaneity, the loss
of time with your spouse, and of course the loss of sleep. Weaning
too has its losses and gains. You might feel the loss of having
your baby close to your breast and being the sole source of
his sustenance, but there is also a gain at having your body
back. As your baby begins to crawl and to walk so he gains in
independence and autonomy. He is able to explore the world around
him without you. But there are losses for him too because maybe
you won’t pick him up as much as you did before. You might
expect him to walk. So he looses a bit of his babyhood. And
of course for you there are losses and gains too. Now that he
is mobile you loose some control over him and what he does,
but you gain in that maybe he can busy himself for a short time
while you make a cup of tea. When your toddler starts school,
you are so proud of him. He has gained autonomy and independence.
He feels big and this is a gain for both of you. But there are
losses in the process too: he has to wait to have his turn on
the bike at school. He is no longer the center of the universe.
He has to share the sunshine with 12 other little people. As
you wave goodbye you might feel ambivalent about him growing
up, happy and proud at the big boy he has become but a little
sad at having to say goodbye to the baby you once had.
And so the process goes on. The
process of life is the process of growth. And the process of
growth is the process of change. How we edit these experiences
will determine how we deal with them. We need to allow a space
to feel the ambivalence. This is not only normal but also appropriate.
We need to allow our children to feel happy and sad about growing
up. To feel happy and sad about a new sibling, going on holiday,
going to school, using the potty, moving from a cot to a bed,
etc. How do you do this? Acknowledge ambivalent feelings. I
remember watching my three-year-old hugging her baby sister.
She loved to hug and squeeze the baby until she cried. Her feelings
of love and hate were all tied up in one single response, and
one little body. I said, “Dena I can see that sometimes
you love your sister and sometimes you don’t, I understand”.
I gave her the space to feel ambivalence. If I force her to
love her sister I might strengthen the opposite – dislike
which will not have pleasant consequences for her or for others
in our family. She needs the emotional space to feel ambivalent.
This gives her the opportunity to deal with change positively.
With this in mind, lets take a closer look at what you can do
to help children cope with change.
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What
are the losses and the gains for your child? |
What
can you do to help? |
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baby looses you for part of the day. There might
be financial gains for you as a family, or personal gains.
One mother said that she enjoys working part time since it
gives her intellectual stimulation. This helps her to feel
like a more effective parent when she is with her children.
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your baby with a familiar caretaker. Children prefer
familiarity to change. Try, as far as possible, to keep to
familiar routines, structures and environments. If is better
for your baby to stay at home with a single caregiver than
to go to a crèche with new smells, new faces and new
sounds. If he has to attend a crèche then introduce
the place slowly so that it becomes familiar. Let him take
a familiar object with him too, such as a familiar blanket,
which has a familiar touch and smell. |
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remember the first time my husband and I took the children
on holiday; I told my husband that their next holiday is their
honeymoon. Holidays are stressful because there is
a change in environment.
Reflect your
child’s feelings. Maybe he is happy to swim in the
sea but he feels sad without his bed.
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change occurs there is a loss of predictability and familiarity.
Children find this stressful. Anticipate the changes. Give
information so that children can feel in control rather than
helpless in this process. Let them know how many days you
will be away for. Maybe draw this on a chart. Let them cross
off each day. Let children take something familiar with them.
Let them pack their own bag of goodies, which they can unpack
too and make the new place their own. Stick to the same routines
on holiday as far as possible. |
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is a gain in having more space and being bigger – just
like mom and dad who also sleep in a bed. But there
is a loss of containment and the feeling of safety that the
cot might have brought. For parents there is also
the loss of control since now their toddler can come pitter-patter
down the passage.
But there is
a gain since the cot might have become unsafe – especially
when your toddler begins to climb out.
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the same nest on the bed with all the things from the cot.
You might need to lie down with your little one to start as
a way of modeling that its time to sleep. But try not to stay
there until he is fast asleep or this might become a habit
that you dislike. Sit on a chair or on the floor if need be.
If your toddler keeps jumping out of bed, let him know that
you will keep the door open if he stays on his bed. But if
he comes off, then the door will be closed. When you close
the door stay right outside and let him know that you are
not leaving him, but you will only open the door when he is
on the bed. You might have to repeat the process since children
only learn from the repetition of experience.
Acknowledge his
feelings in this experience. “I can see you feel sad
when mom closes the door and you don’t want me to
do that anymore. Mom said she will not close the door if
you stay on your bed”.
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parents leave children who are under the age of 6 years, it
is disruptive. Children feel the loss and might react
to it by becoming needy, demanding, angry, irritable or sad.
These are normal reactions to stressful experiences.
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| Acknowledge
your child’s feelings in order to give emotional support.
Try to stick to a familiar routine. It is not advisable to
leave babies under the age of 18 months, since they are in
the process of developing attachments at this stage. They
need a caregiver who is consistently available during this
time. For pre-school children you can put some stickers/ raisins
in a jar and one can be eaten each day. When the jar is empty
then mom/dad will be home. |
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is common for children to resist change in activity.
One mom said that she couldn’t get her son in the bath,
but once he was in she couldn’t get him out!
Another
mother said that her daughter sits on her lap at friends
for most of the afternoon and then warms up when it’s
almost time to go home.
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are typical examples of how children resist change. Acknowledge
their feelings in the process: “I can see you are loving
the bath that you don’t want to come out right now”.
Then give warning for change. Or choice before change. You
might add, “you have a few more minutes and then bath
time is up”, or “its time to come out, would you
like me to take you out or would you like to come out on your
own?” Here you give choices where either option falls
within the boundaries that you define. |
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